Favor Essay

An essay from Jane Hawkins about favors:

[Transcriber's Note: This essay first appeared in the ninth distribution of the APA (amateur press association) Intercourse, which is loosely focused on discussion of human relationships. For a time, the essay also appeared on one of Jane's personal web pages, but not in recent years, as far as I know. In early 2020, I approached Jane about sharing the essay more widely, again, and she had no objection, but wasn't sure where her own copy or copies were. Debbie Notkin and I searched Debbie's collection of Intercourse distributions until we found it. —Karen Summerly, February 2022]

Do me a favor?

By Jane E  Hawkins, 1987

I was in Oakland most of January, and had many interesting chats with Mike and Deb. The last couple days we got into a series of discussions on favors. What is a favor? How do we and people we've known feel about giving and receiving favors? What obligations are incurred, if any, when someone does a favor? Attitudes differ from person to person, and these differences can make a nice thing into a minefield of resentments.

As I was driving home, I tried to formulate my ideas on the subject. Being a boxist (to borrow Dave Nee's word), I see the main differences as categorizing out to a couple of extreme positions, with most people operating on some mix that varies situationally. I'd like to see what you think of these ideas, which should be at least partially credited to Mike and Deb but blamed on me.

The Island: Some people feel strongly that a mature adult doesn't need help from other people. They see any exchange of favors as dependency. If you do a favor for them, they either feel intensely beholden, or irritated that you think they can't take care of themselves. If you ask for a favor, they are likely to scorn you for weakness. If they do the favor, they will remember it for a long, long time.

The Balancer: This person also operates out of fear of dependency, but deals with it by working religiously to keep things even. If you do a favor for a Balancer, you can bet that they're already figuring out how to pay you back—never mind whether you think it is necessary. If they do one for you, and you don't do enough for them, they will feel misused. In extreme, a Balancer rejects the concept of favors as a nice thing one person does for another, and sees it all as a sort of commercial transaction.

No Big Deal: Their basic assumption is that no one does a hard favor for anyone else. They reflexively assume that any favor done for them was easy. If you do something for them and expect repayment, they are startled. "If it was such a big deal, you shouldn't have done it." They may be quite generous when it suits them. Their behavior can look like evasion of responsibility, but that may be too simple an explanation in some cases.

With a Glad Heart: They feel strongly that favors should be something you do for the pleasure of helping the other person. Like the NBD, they object to the idea of return favors, though for a different reason—they feel it devalues the favor. Unlike the NBD, the WAGH will go to some lengths to help out people they care about. If you do something for them, they will feel bad if they think it is because of what they did last week.

These different attitudes can cause a lot of hard feelings. The NBD asks the Island for a favor, and is treated to a lecture on taking care of yourself. The Balancer tries to return a favor to a WAGH, and is hurt by their reaction. The Island gets pissed off at the WAGH for bringing them a hot meal when they're home in bed with the flu. The Balancer thinks the NBD is irresponsible. All are behaving honorably by their lights, and are baffled by what happens.

Do any of these extremes describe your usual mode of dealing with favors? If not, what does? I see myself as mostly a Balancer, and would like to be at least a bit more of a WAGH. I used to be an Island, and that still pops up sometimes. In college, my friend Denise got very angry when she found out I hadn't eaten for a couple days. "You think I wouldn't be happy to feed you?!!!" I apologized, and ate what she put in front of me, but didn't understand for years why she'd blown up.

[Related note: As of February 2022, the APA Intercourse is still active, 36+ years after Debbie Notkin sent out invitations for its founding.]